


Practice Stories

by Yatterqueen



Category: Unlisted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-18 03:36:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18112469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yatterqueen/pseuds/Yatterqueen





	1. Chapter 1

**“The Evolution of the Beast”**

Earth-2 Carmilla Black

I’ve heard that every time The Beast calls for a specific person, it gives them some kind of cool powers. It’s not like that’s total bullshit either. Last time it called me, it gave me the power of illusions and telepathy, so I had no reason to disbelieve that this was going to end with me being able to, like, fly or some shit.

I realize we're not all versed in what the hell the Beast is, so let me start from the beginning.

See, Hand ninja are loyal first and foremost to the Beast. 

In other realities, it’s this weird, nasty thing that smells like rotten mayo and it’s ninety percent blubber and I’d probably set myself on fire before joining up with that.  _ My  _ Beast is… alright, it’s still kind of weird looking. But it at least  _ tries _ . 

It’s like if Elvira was… 25% bustier, had 200% more eyes on her face, and smelled 50% like burger beef. It also had a few horns and was completely crimson. Like I said, unsettling but I could live with _that_.

Personally, I’ve got no love for the Beast but my girlfriend Kate does and I’ve got a lot of love for  _ her _ . I’ll do anything for the pussy, to be honest, and swearing my allegiance to this thing that intends to kill all of humanity is a small price to pay, don’t you think? I mean, Kate is mega hot.

So, I go in there to meet with the Beast. Usually, like, you’re  _ supposed  _ to wear a robe but robes hide my big, fat ass and I worked so hard for that you’re going to have to kill me before I put it away. Instead, I have on one of Kate’s jeans that doesn’t fit me but makes me look thicker and a half-cut baseball tee I also stole from Kate. I was at her place last night, you do the math.

“Beast baby, your favorite student is here!” I called out. I hated the underground bunker it sequestered itself in (Captain America taught me that word when I still worked for SHIELD). It was grody. “Heard you wanted to see me?”

The Beast slowly shuffled out of the dark corridor it resided in. For a moment, I was distracted by its massive boobs but I noticed something peculiar.

“Hey, were you always blue?” I asked. I was pretty sure it was red before. It was why Hand ninja  _ wore  _ red. I mean, I could be wrong because I don’t care but that’s what I was feeling.

“Y' mgep met n'ghftor statue orr'e.  H' mgep gifted ya mgepnah r'luhh. Y' ahnythor llll ahh'lagln panties!”

What? 

“Did you say panties?” I asked it, fishing out the thick band of my own panties to show it. It was a joke, y’know? One, it was just the waistband. Two, who’s embarrassed by their underwear? “You talking about these?”

“YMG’ MGEP F’!”

You’re not exactly supposed to run from the Beast even if its being weird, so I didn’t, even though it looked weirdly excited about me having panties.

“Yeah? They’re this bikini style. They’ve got strawberries on them? Totally cute. I could even bring you a pair like this if you want,” I continued joking as it walked around me. It smelled like a fast food restaurant. “Hey, so, when do we get to the ‘you give me a power’ thing? Not that this isn’t fu --- IT’S DEFINITELY NOT FUN  _ NOW! OW! _ ”

The Beast was giving me a _wedgie!_

It was supposed to be an eldritch entity, not a high school bully!

“Let go!” I screamed. The Beast was  _ strong  _ and pulled my panties like I might pull on a rubber band. “Ow! C’mon!”

My panties were let go with a simple smack! as the elastic hit my back.

“What the heck!?” I yelled. “Not cool, Beast! Since when do you give wedgies?”

“Wed… gie?” The Beast bellowed loudly: “Y' like h'!”

Like I said, you’re not supposed to run from this thing but I wasn’t trying to get my panties to wear me, so I started to run because I could  _ feel  _ more coming where that came from.

I “reached” the door before I realized I hadn’t really moved at all. Figures the thing that gives you power over illusions can use them itself, huh?

Worst of all, the Beast had my panties again.

“Stop!” I demanded. I must’ve thought it’d help at the time but as you can probably guess, it didn’t. “Please?”

Yeah, that didn’t work either.

With one pull, the Beast yanked my panties to the bottom of my spinal column! With another, it snapped my waistband over my pretty face! These were high leg undies, so I could wave my arms wildly out the legholes pretty easily. 

Which I did. 

For a while.

“Hw! Mn hff! Hmt fmmlf lngm rhpm bhrn, nhh dngghmhd! Mn hff…” I ranted and raved. It wasn’t my best moment, admittedly, but it  _ was  _ the Beast. 

This could happen to anyone, right? Not just  _ me _ .

It was really hard to pry my panties’ waistband from my chin and after a few minutes of failure, I gave up. Angry, as anyone would be, I poked the Beast in what I’m assuming were its boobs (it was hard to see) and forcefully said, “Nhh hndh thnf rnght nhw!”

The Beast growled but did nothing.

So, I kicked it!

“AH NAFL HUP ULNAH YA!”

Shit. At the moment, I was like, I think I fucked up. I might have even peed a little.

I had, indeed, fucked up.

I would later leave the underground bunker about an hour later. 

I was hunched over like those old people who were about to die and had to walk knock-kneed. My panties were stretched out behind me -- I don’t mean that they hung over my jeans kind of funny like. I mean more like I had an ostentatious bridal trail, except instead of a wedding dress, it was  _ my underwear.  _ I didn’t have those unrippable panties losers like that Spider-Gwen broad wore but these didn’t give for some reason. 

There were holes and tears but the panties were firmly up my ass. I hadn’t really realized it before, but I think my butt is kind of sensitive… 

“What happened to you, babe?” asked Kate as I passed her. She had a smug smirk on her face as she stepped on my panties to get me to stop walking; I nearly fell. “Which Hand elder did you piss off  _ this  _ time?”

“Har har. You’re here to see the Beast?” I asked.

“Yeah. I think I’m going to get flight this time.”

I thought about warning her but, then again, she  _ was  _ being kind of a bitch. Shit, I could do that too. “You’ll get something alright. Have fun, honey.”


	2. Chapter 2

**“Jetpack No Joyride”**

Natasha Romanova

Some people like to…  _ change  _ with the times. They adopt the new technology as it is developed. I, however, do not. I have used the same things since the Cold War and I will probably die using those same things. 

I do not mean that I do not learn from my mistakes. In my line of work, that would be fatal. If something is faulty, I no longer use it. If something becomes obsolete, I no longer use it. Many of the tools I wielded in the 80s are with the legwarmers I used to wear: unloved and untouched in a closet. I just do not add new things for the sake of adding new things.

Let me explain myself more clearly. I’ll give an example.

I was in the hangar of  _ Planet Love,  _ the house I share with the other members of Jennifer Walters’ crack team, the  _ Challengers of the Blue,  _ with Jessica Drew _. _

\-- As an aside, it was my idea to name it that. I enjoy Taylor Dayne. --

“Isn’t everyone supposed to have jetpacks by now, Nat?” asked Jessica. “Cind and Millie say that was what they were told when they were kids.”

“You aren’t much older than Moon,” I said, ignoring her question.

“Yeah, but I was never a kid.”

“Mm.” Jessica and I have plenty in common. We’re good friends because of it. She could convince me of things I would otherwise never try. 

It was why I was holding a jetpack, after all. 

I was dressed casually, because it was a casual affair. A pair of black running shorts and one of Bucky’s old band t-shirts I’ve permanently borrowed. I wore leggings underneath the shorts because it’s cold this season. Nothing like Russia, you understand, but just because I’ve lived through worse doesn’t mean I have to live through this.

“Do you know how this thing is supposed to work?” I asked Jessica. It seemed hefty and unwieldy as I strapped it to my back. I would not know this at the time but my underwear was riding a bit high, and snagged on a loose piece of metal on the jetpack.

Jessica shrugged. “Dunno.” She came closer and looked at it. “Seems to be an older model. I know they’ve got some that are thought activated.”

“Thought activated?” I repeated.

“Yeah, I don’t really get it myself…” Jessica gasped. “Ah, got  _ this  _ though. Brace yourself, Nat.”

“I’m ready,” I said. 

I was not.

When Jessica pushed the button, the jetpack rocketed into the air. It didn’t use rocket fuel like I had expected but it worked through gravitational energy. I won’t pretend to know the specifics but it went fast. 

Much,  _ much  _ faster than I had anticipated.

The straps shredded as the jetpack flew and, if life was fair, the jetpack would have simply flown off and I wouldn’t have had the most unpleasant ten minutes of my life.

However, as I mentioned earlier, my underwear was snagged onto the jetpack. They weren’t like the old straps, and didn’t tear even as the contraption flew faster than bullets.

Given I was  _ wearing  _ my underwear, I went with it.

The soft material sliced between my legs and my behind like a knife through hot butter and I screamed out, “HEEEEEEEELP!”

“Oh my god!” Jessica yelled out. Through my blurred peripheral vision, I assume she covered her mouth in shock. “Nat, hold on!”

“THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANT TO DOOOOOOO!”

The jetpack pulled me every which way. I went left, right, I spun around and did  _ several  _ flips. My panties got wedged in further. I was going to beat Carmilla up for buying me these stupidly stretchy Spongebob underwear!

“JESSICA DO SOMETHING!”

“Like what!? I can’t  _ fly,  _ Nat!”

“I HAVE UNDERWEAR IN MY EYEBALLS!”

“That’s an exaggeration!”

“THIS ISN’T THE TIME!”

Jessica looked around for things to use. She climbed on a stool to try and catch me. She wasn’t even  _ close _ . 

I got the feeling she wasn’t trying.

“GO  _ GET  _ SOMEONE!”

“I’ll call!” Jessica said, taking out her cellphone. That -- and the massive smile on her face -- was how I knew she was just watching.

“YOU’RE A HORRIBLE FRIEND!”

“Shh! I’m on the phone,” she said, holding the camera up. “I’m trying to FaceTime Carol -- shit, the flash!”

She took a photograph!

“JESSICAAAAAAAA!” I screamed as the jetpack crashed into a wall, burrowing into it like a digger mole. My underwear was still stuck on the machine. My body lurched forward, still flying a bit when the jetpack came to stop, and I was left hanging several feet off the ground.

“Aw, man,” she said. “I missed most of it…”

“I’m going to strangle you with your underwear…”

“Huh? I can’t hear you from up there, SpongeNat WedgiePants.”

God, that was Jennifer-tier bad. “Leave the jokes to  _ Parker _ , Jessica.”

“Fair enough,” she said. “I’m really going to go get Carol now, though. Maybe a sandwich first, I am kind of hungry. You know, being a mom and all.”

“That makes no sense…” I said, growing angrier. “Gerry isn’t even  _ here  _ right now.”

“Sorry, unless you’re a sandwich, I can’t hear you.”

…

This is why I don’t like new technology. 

I’m  _ still  _ hanging up here.


	3. Chapter 3

**“Laundry Day”**

Daisy Johnson

Looking back, I think I had it coming. I can admit that. I can see where I’m wrong. I think what happened was an overreaction but I kind of knew what I was getting into if I’m honest. What’s that thing they say? You poke the bear, you get the horns? 

Wait, damn, no -- bears don’t have horns.

Uh…  _ bulls _ , that’s right. 

You poke the  _ bull _ , you get the horns.

I don’t really know  _ why  _ I decided to prank Lyra of all people, but it’s probably because it’s funny as heck to do. Yeah, she could kill me by flexing too hard in my direction but if she wasn’t a giant green woman, she’d probably be an assistant manager at a grocery store. She has strong assistant manager energies. I’m not recommending you do this, but pants the assistant manager at your local grocery store and watch their reaction. 

Lyra’s a  _ mirror _ , dude, promise.

Not to mention -- and it’s a little ironic considering I  _ am  _ the authority myself as a member of the SHIELD’s Director Council but I have a problem with authority. Lyra leads this team, the  _ All-Stars,  _ so she’s the authority in this situation.

And, as a prole here, I felt the need to stick it to the man! 

When Lyra and I went out for the best thing on the planet, Fro-Yo, she was at the counter paying. I… probably wasn’t the  _ best  _ friend? Maybe?

“Yes,” she was saying. “I have exact change. Give me a moment.”

I waited until she was done with that and as she grabbed the Fro-Yo, I grabbed the sides of her leggings and rolled them down. I mean, like, I  _ pulled  _ them down but I also rolled the waist a little bit so she couldn’t just pull them up, if you get me. 

“Ah! Daisy!” she yelled. “ _ Really? _ ”

Because she didn’t want to drop the Fro-Yo, she just sort of stood there for a second. Lyra had on a lacy pair of Sailor Moon panties, and I -- and the cashier -- couldn’t help myself from laughing.

“No, in the Name of the Moon, I will punish you! spiel? For shame, Ly.” I asked her as I grabbed my Fro-Yo. I didn’t really wait for an answer, as I got the heck out of there before she regained her senses.

Anyway, as Lyra always does, she called a team meeting to discuss why she shouldn’t be pantsed. I ditched it, of course. It wasn’t out of spite or anything like that. I had laundry to do.

I should’ve known that being in any one place for an extended amount of time was basically a death sentence. 

She got me while I was putting my clothes in the washing machine. I had put some of my dark clothes in there and was singing a Carly Rae Jepsen song to myself, so I didn’t hear Lyra sneaking up on me. If I’m honest, she’s really good. It’s not easy to sneak up on me. I mean, I’m a  _ spy _ .

“Where were you?” she asked as she grabbed my underwear and lifted me off the ground. I kept my balance by holding onto the washing machine. 

My panties were pretty stretchy, green, and said, “Kiss It” on the butt. That last detail went unobserved by Lyra because she  _ stretched them so m _ uch.

“F-For what?” I asked. Lyra’s also stupid gullible, so I thought maybe playing dumb would help me. I don’t know, I was basically chewing on cotton right then, I wasn’t really thinking critically. “Can you let go already? I think my panties are in my  _ lungs _ , Ly.”

She just pulled harder. 

“OW!  _ FUDGE! _ ”

“You knew we had a meeting!”

“Don’t we always?” I whined. “You repeat the same stuff!”

“I do not!” She paused. “...do I?”

While she had her existential crisis, I used my powers to try and disorient her and free myself. You know, a little quick shake and anybody would stumble, right? 

_ Wrong _ .

Lyra’s a genetic freak, and she kept her balance even though I made a mini-earthquake in this room. If anything, I just ended up giving  _ myself  _ a vibro wedgie with Lyra as the conduit.

“Christ!” I yelled, clearly frustrated. “Why are you  _ like this? _ ”

I could hear the smile in her stupid voice. “I’m a warrior, Daisy. You need to do more than  _ that  _ to stop me.”

“Give me a second and I’ll find your breaking point, I promise!”

“Oh, no. You’ll have plenty of time to think about it.”

You know what that monster did to me?

She bent me over in front of the washing machine and stretched my panties _into_ the washing machine, wrapping it around the spinny thing in the middle. It’s like a pole kind of? You know what I’m talking about.

I tried pulling myself away but all I did was give myself a wedgie.

“This is incredibly not cool!”

“Do you mind if I help you finish your laundry?” Lyra asked.

I’ve seen Final Destination twice in my whole life and I felt a little like when one of the characters sees Death coming but they were powerless to stop it. 

“No! I’ll handle it! I don’t want you touching my clothes!”

“Don’t be like that, Daisy. You’re preoccupied at the moment, so I, as a good friend, feel compelled to step in.”

“Lyra! LYRA, DO NOT!”

It was no use. She slowly loaded my clothes into the washer and then turned it on. I heard the water pour in; it wasn’t on spin cycle…  _ yet. _

“Dude!”

Lyra was already gone though. 

I had the worst laundry day experience of my life. Fortunately, I wasn’t wearing Van Dynes, so my undies ripped… eventually.


End file.
